How Couples Counselling Can Save Your Marriage

The Four Horsemen of Relationships

When relationships hit turbulent waters, it’s easy to feel like there’s no way back to calmer seas. Many couples who feel their marriage is on the brink of collapse often find themselves asking the same question: “Is it too late to save this?” Even marriages that seem irreparable can often be salvaged with the right tools and guidance.

One powerful framework for understanding relationship breakdowns comes from Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and marriage researcher. He identifies four destructive behaviors that, if left unchecked, can doom a relationship. Dubbed the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," these behaviours are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Recognising these patterns and addressing them with the help of relationship counselling can significantly shift issues and might just be a key to saving your marriage. I know from personal experience the benefit from having a Gottman Couples Therapist to help identify and change these habits or our blindspots - because it is hard to see something we have been doing habitually and even harder to hear it pointed out from our partner when we aren’t in a good place in the relationship.

Criticism

Criticism goes beyond expressing a complaint or concern—it attacks your partner’s character or personality. For example, instead of saying, “I feel upset when you leave dishes in the sink,” criticism might sound like, “You never help out around the house. You’re so lazy.” While occasional criticism is human, when it becomes habitual, it can chip away at the foundation of a relationship.

Contempt

Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It involves speaking to your partner with sarcasm, ridicule, or disrespect. Eye-rolling, sneering, and hostile humour are common signs of contempt. This behaviour conveys superiority and disdain and can leave your partner feeling unloved and unworthy. Contempt is often fueled by unresolved resentment and can lead to emotional disconnection.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked - it’s a form of self protection even if our partner didn’t mean to have “attacked” us. However it shifts the blame to the other person and so creates a divide rather than closeness. The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation in whatever way you can.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws, either physically or emotionally. This often happens in response to feeling overwhelmed, but it can leave the other partner feeling ignored and abandoned. Over time, stonewalling creates a cycle of disconnection that’s hard to break. Disconnection is one of the main reasons that couples break-up, so we want to learn how to instead navigate difficult emotions turning towards each other rather than away.

Understanding the Four Horsemen is a powerful first step. Couples counselling from a therapist trained in Gottman Therapy then offers tools and strategies to counteract these destructive behaviours and rebuild a strong, loving connection and help couples learn how to express their needs and concerns without resorting to criticism or contempt Sometimes it is as simple as learning a new way, other times roots need to be addressed, but either way, have hope that couples can break destructive patterns and replace them with healthier interactions. It’s normal to feel hopeless when your relationship is mired in negativity, but it’s important to remember that change is possible. Even deeply ingrained patterns can be shifted with commitment and the right support. Relationship counselling is not a quick fix, but it offers a roadmap to healing and growth.