Navigating Co-Parenting With A Difficult Ex

How to Keep Your Cool and Prioritise the Kids

Co-parenting with an ex can feel like walking on a tightrope — you’re trying to balance your emotions, keep the peace, and, most importantly, do what’s best for your kids. Some people slip into the new phase with relative ease yet for many, it’s not so easy, especially if your ex is difficult, stubborn, or manipulative. I work with numerous clients who have gone through a breakup or divorce and need support with their goal in this situation: to create a stable, healthy environment for their children, regardless of the drama in their personal lives.

Here’s the thing about co-parenting with someone you don’t get along with: You can’t control their behaviour. What you can control is your response. Your ability to stay grounded and reasonable, even when your ex is pushing your buttons, will make all the difference in your child’s emotional wellbeing and in your own mental health. Easy said. Much harder to do. If you are finding it hard to cope with the new family dynamic, it can be useful to have therapy, especially when dealing with a difficult ex. Some small take-aways that can help

Don’t Engage in the Drama

The first rule of thumb in difficult co-parenting situations: don’t engage in the drama, which can be a hard pill to swallow. Your ex might throw shade or try to outright manipulate the situation to get a rise out of you. They know your buttons and they’ll push them whether consciously or not. The trick is not to react.

If they start pulling on your strings and you can feel the urge to jump back into a pattern of conflict , take a deep breath. Write down on paper first what you want to say, let it all out with a pen, and then let some time pass before you actually respond, so that when you do, it can be in a calm, rational way. Much of what you might have written in the first instance will be able to be left unsaid.

Use Boundaries Like a Shield

Boundaries are your best defence when dealing with a difficult ex. Without boundaries, you’re opening the door to constant emotional chaos. Set clear, firm boundaries that protect your peace and allow for the new focus to be on what’s in the best interest of your child.

For some people, there may be a period where communication is kept to the essentials as a boundary. "Here’s when I’ll pick up the kids," "Please send me the schedule changes in writing," etc. These are non-emotional, businesslike exchanges. If they push back you can be kind and firm, "Please only contact me about the children. I won’t be responding to anything else."

Keep the Focus on the Kids

No matter what, keep reminding yourself why you’re doing this: the kids. Your personal feelings about your ex? Not important. The children’s emotional and psychological development? Critical.

To keep this in mind, try shifting your focus. You don’t have to get along with your ex, but you do need to be cooperative in your shared role as parents. If you need help to keep perspective, consider joint therapy for you and your ex. A therapist can mediate the tricky conversations and help you focus on what’s best for the kids without letting old hurts - or new ones - get in the way of coming back to whats important - the kids.

Don’t Let the Guilt Take Over

Divorce and separation can come with a mountain of guilt. You may feel like your kids are suffering or you’re failing them in some way. But there is a reason you and your partner broke up, and for everyone I work with, it has not been a light decision when kids are involved. Often there was fighting or complete disconnection and the family home was no longer a space of love in the way you want to experience and demonstrate to your children. Remember the vision you have for your family, the new vision, and let the guilt go.

Sometimes You Have to Embrace Flexibility

Schedules will change, emotions will flare, and sometimes, plans will fall apart. The way you feed the kids will be different to your ex’s. You have to be flexible. It’s one of the hardest parts, but if you can learn to roll with the punches and adapt when things don’t go as planned, you’ll make your life — and your kid’s life — a lot easier.